The Therapist is In..sometimes

I’m always the last one awake.  It’s lonely being pensive, let me tell you.  I will stay up to all sorts of hours letting you know that everything will be okay.  I will tell you stories relating to your situation and I’ll help you work out the thoughts in your head.  Then you will fall asleep feeling slightly better.  And I will sit here, wide awake.  I’m a therapist, a confidante, a person to tell things to but not do things with.  Now, obviously there are some self-esteem issues flooding that thought channel but really, it’s how I feel.  I need to learn how to be there for people without feeling used or under appreciated.  Is that possible?  How do you unlearn a lifetime of bad habits?  How do you correct a laundry list of perfunctory bullshit?  Slowly and steadily, that’s how.

I just want to matter.  Not only that, but to actually feel like I matter.  That’s even more important.  There is a huge difference between knowing people care and feeling that they do indeed care.  So please do not comment on this telling me how amazing you think I am.  It doesn’t help me.  I know I’m awesome. I have a ton to offer this world if I could only get over myself.  Therein lies my core issue.  I am stuck inside my head.  Have you ever seen the movie Dreamcatcher, the adaptation of the Stephen King novel?  Well, there’s this part where you see the inside of this guy’s head.  It’s almost like an old office building merged with a library.  It’s how I imagine in the inside of my brain.  I wander this maze, constantly reorganizing things.  It feels like I make progress at times but really I’m just shifting things around.  If I’m ever to move beyond this limited me, I need to break out.  I need to get out.  I need to experience.  I need to discover. 

I’m one hundred percent okay with being a work in progress.  If I didn’t feel the need to overcome, to surpass, then I would be empty.  So, I continuously seek inspiration in the hopes that one of these days that inspiration will lead me to happiness.  Are we ever really happy?  I’m not so sure.  There are definitely moments of happiness; those moments where you know with every cell in your body that you wouldn’t change a thing.  I just want one of those moments to carry me through.  I would like for one second in my existence to be satisfied in my skin. 

Bring it on life.  I’m challenging you right now to show me what you’ve got.  Inspire me.  Take me on a journey.  In fact, don’t bother taking me because I’m seeking it out.  For the first time in my life I am going to be a driving force.  For the first time, I am determined to lead because I am a leader.  Somewhere along the lines the information got crossed and I was delivered a message that told me I wasn’t good enough.  No more. 

 No more.


2 Responses to “The Therapist is In..sometimes”

  1. Sounds like it will be an interesting journey.

Say what you mean to say...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: